自己写的一片托福的独立写作,TPO1上的题目,求改!At universities and colleges,sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.When people enjoy the benefits brought

自己写的一片托福的独立写作,TPO1上的题目,求改!At universities and colleges,sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.When people enjoy the benefits brought
自己写的一片托福的独立写作,TPO1上的题目,求改!
At universities and colleges,sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.
When people enjoy the benefits brought by the strong financial support of classes and libraries,isn't it necessary that they give some consideration to the disproportionate financial support of sports and social activities?Some believe,at universities and colleges,academic financial support should always be the most important one.Meanwhile,those who strongly disagree with it cite that instead of this,outside-class activities should have a equal financial support.Personally,the latter one is more reasonable.
The most obvious benefit we have gained from the exercise and social facilities is health.As an old saying goes,health is over wealth,we should pay more attention in ourselves.Only when people do regular exercises,will they be healthy enough.lacking of sports facilities,there is no chance for a certain number of students to get proper exercises.Take myself as an example,when I first came into university,our school were in construction so that there was neither sports facilities nor places for social activities in our new campus.I had no exercise at all and felt bad all the time.Under such conditions,I had no idea about how to make it better.A year later,some new sports courts had been built.By playing basketball every day,I feel much better and stronger.Undoubtedly,the construction of fields for sports and social activities is of great importance in campus.
Furthermore,these public facilities would tremendously increase the communication between students and could also be a good way to cultivate their social skills.Without available places,many passionate events could not be put into effect.For example,after the construction of a square inside our new campus,there are varieties of activities hosted by corporations and student councils in the square,which is considered as the most popular place in our campus.Needless to say,the importance of offering more financial support into sports and social activities can never be exaggerated.
Considerable though the advantages of advocating academic facilities in finance leads to are,no one can ignore the positive aspects that extending sports and social activities brought to us.In conclusion,sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

自己写的一片托福的独立写作,TPO1上的题目,求改!At universities and colleges,sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.When people enjoy the benefits brought
我没事给你评评吧.
首先,第一段的作用是点题,这个题就是在考什么,sport和social activity是否也需要财力支持,和其他的一样重要,说白了就是sport和social activity很重要,学校要重视还是不重视.
你要做的让考官明确你的观点,其次要简略的说一下为什么,其实就是后面几个小的支持论据的总括.
上来之后可以废话一句引入正题,然后很快说你认为大学应该给学生什么,打个比方,让学生成为一个全面发展的人啦,让学生以后好就业啦,等等.
接着亮自己观点,选择应该用财力支持运动和社会活动,你不需要详细阐述为什么,来个两句就够,比如社会活动可以给学生增加社会阅历,运动对健康有益,这些和classes以及图书馆一样重要,然后总括,学校支持运动和社会活动才会让学生全面发展,或者学习的更好,以后好就业,之类,所以我支持.
说的不客气点,你这个第一段,绕来绕去,基本都是废话,考官看完第一段不知道你要说啥,When people enjoy the benefits brought by the strong financial support of classes and libraries,isn't it necessary that they give some consideration to the disproportionate financial support of sports and social activities?打那么多字都占用时间,托福考试作文争分夺秒,每一句话都要成为刀子和武器.
第二段大体没什么,就是你写从social facilities中得到健康（直翻）,不知道你是笔误还是什么,social facilities是公共设施的意思,我不知道你想说什么,运动馆?还是什么?你要写出来,游泳馆啊,网球场之类的词可以用啊,social facilities范围太大,包含邮局医院银行超市等等,当然也包含运动馆,但是你这里应该是在说学校建立运动场地吧,所以还是直接说的明白点,一目了然了.
后面你在写因为健康所以支持,然后说健康很重要啊,缺少运动设施就怎么样啦……在前面补充一下,学校这么做,是对学生好,是提高学生的健康,不是we should pay more attention in ourselves,是学校应该关注学生的健康,给投资,然后说一下,学生健康就怎么样了,学习更有效率,做运动更开心,等等等,扣住题.
第三段,你说什么公共设施是可以提高学生的交流能力社会能力,你你要说public facilities就得说有什么,还是跟上面那一段的毛病,图书馆也是public facilities,也是social facilities.
然后你要说的是sports和social activity,social activity不仅是社交活动,也是社会活动的意思,范围很广阔,校外实习也算是social activity,参观图书馆也是social activity,举办晚会也是.
你要说学校建立广场给了学生social activity的场所,也可以,说明白,不要直接写什么Without available places,many passionate events could not be put into effect,然后人家要看你的例子才知道你要说啥,考官阅卷很快的,不看你的例子你这段就废了.
回来,其实这一段最开始,你得先说学校为什么要帮助学生提高这些交流或者social skill?记住,后面的三个小段是用来支持你的观点的,你说了一大堆好处,没有这些设施,学生就学不到,但是一直没说,为什么要提高交流能力社会能力啊?作为中国人你肯定觉得说为什么是废话,因为这不明摆着么,但是写作文,你要有逻辑,你不说就等于没有,学校干嘛要帮助学生提高这些啊,加一句学校支持社会活动可以让学生提高交流的能力,让他们毕业后更有竞争力,更好在职场和人沟通,或者这样帮助学生交到更多朋友,使他们生活更好,或者什么,随便,你自己想,然后说,这对学生来说最重要,所以支持这个和图书馆之类的一样重要,扣题,扣题,一定要绕回中心.
最后一段不说啥了,你这个有点单薄,可以再加一段,用让步来说,在最后一段和第三段中间加一段,说假如学校不给予这些东西财政支持,假如一个学校没有这些东西,只有class和图书馆,那么,学生会变成什么样,比如身体不好,影响学习,比如没有活动场所,鸭梨很大,心情不好,这里可以扯点,最后来一句,没有投资这些既然这么不好,所以投资这个是必须的,为了学生的健康成长balabala……
我觉得,你的写句子能力基本是没有问题的,可以说比一般托福学生的句子还强,基础应该是不错的,也会用连接词和例子,但是你的作文明显是没有逻辑主线,你还不太懂怎么扣题,抓题,怎么写主线.
慢慢来吧,真心的推荐你,直接去拿机经作文练习,TPO上的题目有点过时,有问题还可以问,当然不接受我的评论也是可以的～